Is this my train

Lady: is this my train?

Station master: no madam, it belongs to the railway company

Lady: don't try to be funny. i mean to ask you, can i take this train to new Delhi?

Station master: no madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy

The Titanic

Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God...
Just then a Italian asks the nearby Pupa in the ship.
Italian: How far is land, from here?
Pupa: Two miles...
Italian: Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian: Just tell me which side is land two miles from here?
Pupa: Downwards...

Policeman and a Little Boy

A policeman caught a mischievous little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, innocent creature I shall personally do to you." "In that case," said the boy, "I'll give it lots of chocolates as well as all my money and let it go."

My Father Speaking

Student (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.

School Secretary: Who is this?

Student: This is my father speaking!

The son’s future

A young man's parents were trying to figure out what their son's future career would be, So they decided to give him a test. They took a twenty dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a clergyman but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the twenty dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took a whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead and said, "Damn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined..." "What do you mean?" his wife asked.
"Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the very unhappy father.

Banana for the Chimpanzee

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!."

As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimpanzee"

Missed Call

Student: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?

Teacher: Me? No, why?

Student: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- “1 Miss Call".

Join these sentences

During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to her.

Teacher: Hey boy, join these two sentences together.

“I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body”.

Boy: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.

The Doorbell

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to
the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, And now what, my little man?

To which the boy replies, keeping his finger in priest mouth shush! Now we run!!!

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.

Holmes: Watson, look up. What do you see?

Watson: Well, I see thousands of stars.

Holmes: And what does that mean to you?

Watson: Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?

Holmes: To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.

Stepped Out

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

The Jamaica Plane

A girl get on an airplane and sit down in the first class section. The stewardesses tell her she has to move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The girl replayed, “I’m smart and cute, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the girl to leave, but she stubbornly replies, “I’m smart and cute, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

At a loss, the head stewardess summons the co-pilot who went up to the girl and whispered in her ear. She immediately got up and takes her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replied, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Galileo, Graham Bell, Shakespeare

Teacher: Galileo used 2 study in smal lamp. Graham Bell used 2 study in candle light. Shakspeare used 2 study in street light

Student: I dont understand what these people use to do during day time?

SpaceBar

James Bond got this email from a friend:
CanYouPleaseFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

Example of Animal

Teacher: Give me an example of animal.
Jimmy: Frog
Teacher: Give me another.
Jimmy: Another Frog.

Lecture on Sun

Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun. Everyone must attend it.
Mary: No madam! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
Mary: My mother will not allow me to go so far!

Draw a Bacteria

Teacher: Students draw a picture of bacteria.
Student: Here it is Mam!
Teacher: Where? It Is Blank.
Student: you told that bacteria cannot be seen with naked eye!